A while. It has been quite a while since I have written anything, even just a little thing. It happens sometimes, it comes and goes. Hopefully it's back now. what I need to be able to write.
I have had quite a few things to do. and I have been lazy when I hadn't had anything to do. sometimes I am not sure if I am lazy, or just forgetting something crucially important.
Anyways. I am Denmark now. Visiting my grandmother, she lives close to the ocean, a beach where I used to play when I was younger. It's not the same beach anymore though. I went there a few days ago with my brother. We went for a walk, and I was looking forward to playing with him where I used to play.
You could hardly see the sand anymore though, it was covered in plastic. Lighters, nets, bits and pieces everywhere. My brother picked up such an odly shaped piece, he believed it first to be a funny rock. I stopped looking. I didn't want to see it, so my eyes shifted to the sea. It was quite a foggy day, so it was hard to tell where the sea ended and the sky began. I like those kind of days, the world seems like a bigger place to me, when you cannot see it.
Both me and my brother kept looking at the ocean. Neither of us wanted to look at the beach. We didn't forget it though, I promise, I will remember, and I will do something, I will do anything I can. But in that moment, we both chose to close our eyes, too tired to deal with it, saving the problems for another day. That was me that afternoon. And I am sorry. I would like to say that I immediately grabbed a bag, and started picking up as much trash as I could, save the planet, save the whales, fairtrade or whatever it is these days, but I didn't. I just looked out at the ocean with my brothers hand in mine, enjoying what little time I get to spend with him.
He is growong up. Getting bigger, and I am not really around to see that. I missed his last two birthdays. I have missed christmas for two years. He is five years old now, and I am only getting further away from him. We did however go for a two hour walk together, I had to carry him the last bit of course, he was so tired he could hardly walk up the hill. And we did feed Three horses on the way back. And we went to the shop so he could get an ice cream, despite it being -5 C outside. And we did get to talk. He is wise for a five year old.
He has in mind to be an acrobat and a gentleman when he grows up. Then he jumps around the livingroom looking like a genntleman, or in his case, slightly constapeted, and telling everyone that the moon is made out of a ball of vanilla icecream.
Now he is in copenhagen.
I stayed at the westcoast, by the sea. I go to the beach often. Thinking. There is no place like the sea for that kind of thing. The wind is raging outside today, I can hear it from my room. The house is warm though, warmer than in Sweden, too warm sometimes, too warm for January. way too warm for January. I think you can hear the worlds smallest violin playing for me where ever you are my friend.
I wish you fair winds and a following sea.
Thursday 28 January 2016
Tuesday 12 January 2016
Evergreen
Evergreen. I have always loved that word more than the evergreen trees themselves. The woods are full of evergreen trees, and the word to me implies fairytale, spring, sun, and light, whereas the trees themselves seem ancient and gloomy. I like the woods though. They seem to me to radiate a sort of ancient quiet wisdom which doesn't make much sense, considering the fact that these woods that I call home are not very old.
I sometimes go ogre hunting with my brother in these woods. He is 5 years old. We don't really go hunting, he is not afraid of them, so we go looking for them. He count himself among friends when we find massive rocks that he calls father ogre and grandmother ogre. Then we tell each other fairy tales of ancient creatures who used to roam these woods, and who are biding there time until their time has come again. I like telling stories with him. I am enjoying the time I spend with him.
He is the last remaining child in the woods. Him and the neighbours boy. The two last children of the woods.
It is so practical with a younger brother. Last night I had to blow my nose but didn't want to get out of my chair, so I called my brother and gave him a secret mission to find the holy tissues and bring them back to me. After the crisis had been averted and i had gotten the tissues i needed and plenty more, he told my mother: "Victoria is the best sister in the world. She trusts me with important missions. I am her right hand commander"
I thought to myself well that was easy.
It is snowing outside again. I was outside before to get another bucket of water from the well, and even in the darkness you can see a white coat over everything. The snow is waist-deep now. It is beautiful outside. The snow is creating a silence unlike anywhere else in the world and sometimes when I am walking, my mind is tricked into believing myself the only person left in the world. Of course i know I am not, and maybe that is why it does not feel frightening to me. It just feels free.
I wish you fair winds and a following sea my friend.
Friday 8 January 2016
Köln
Fire. I can see it in the fireplace from where I sit. It's heating up the house, doing a better job than yesterday for sure. I stocked up on the firewood today, a lot more than the previous days. I got the well almost completely ice free. Took me one and a half hour to do so, but still. Ice free is ice free.
After my chores, I went online. I haven't written anything myself on my social media, I don't really feel like I have a right to, which is odd, considering the fact that I have more right than most.
I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it's because so many have written about what happened new years eve in Köln. Maybe it's because i don't want to be just another man-hater. Maybe it's because you can't write a single comment online without a million following "but's". And nothing you say before the word "but" really matters.
I saw a video called "Dear daddy" not so long ago on youtube. It ended: "Dear daddy, I know you will protect me from lions, cars, tsunamis without a sense of danger to your own life. But please protect me from the greatest danger. The danger of being a woman".
It's true that not all men violate women. It's true that not all men are ruthless bastards. But some men are. And this discussion is about them. Not all men. Not all religions. Just them. Just those individuals. And there is not a single country in the entire world that can honestly say that they have achieved gender equality. Not a single fucking one.
The woman hears comments like "She was also asking for it" and "Haven't you been looking for a boyfriend in a while" and no one can forget the classic: " Are you really sure this happened. Are you really sure those bruises on your neck are real"
And what if it has happened more than once. Then clearly it is your own fault!
I have seven brothers. No sisters. I grew up with four of them. I love them very much. More than they are aware of. I would never hurt them, I would never say anything to hurt them. And so i am not saying this to them. They are are good people, better than so many others i have met, And they know that I am not saying this to them. And they are not responsible. They know that.
I am wondering about the men arguing online saying "I would never do that" and " why is there so much hate towards the men going on these days?" Do they know? I am not blaming all men. I feel sorry for the ones who have been wrongly accused. I feel sorry for the men who are suffering in war now, because they have been drafted whereas the women have not. That is the thing about gender equality. It goes both ways.
There is a game. A manoeuvre. A strategy. If you ask a man about it, he will not know what the fuck you are talking about. But ask a woman. Everytime she leaves the house. If she goes to work "Am i wearing too much make-up? maybe they won't take me seriously"
When she goes to a party " Is this too short? Will they see it as an invitation?" "What if it's too long. They will call me dull, and laugh" When she walks home "What was that sound. I am probably just being paranoid"
When she comes to work the week after, and her co workers say: "she wasn't careful. she was probably wearing perfume and everything"
And everyone has a story. And yes, also every woman in the Western world! This is not about one culture. It is a global problem. And we need to find a global solution.
Walking is very important to me. I have written about that before. It is a major part of how I identify myself. The first year I lived in Sweden I was 16 years old and living with my folks and some of my brothers, six people on 16 square meters. I had to walk. It was my escape. My way of finding out who I was and who I wanted to be. Even in -30 C, I used to walk seven or eight times per day.
If I was not home before the dark in the summer, I would sleep in the woods. I never feared the wolves. I never feared the bears. But I would never sleep outside in a city surrounded by people. And yet I never feared the wolves that I could hear every night.
Walking is all I have. Walking is who I am. I have a right, a human right to be who I am. Is it fair to have that taken from me? Even if it is stupid to walk. Is it fair?
There are a lot of grey-zones. "Was she drunk" "was she outside alone?" "How was she dressed" "Was she flirting"
Flirting is fun. Kissing is fun. A kiss does not mean that you by right can take an expedition further south. And a no, at any time, still means no.
There should not be any grey-zones
My story. It belongs to me. Does anyone have the right to take that from me?
I still wish you fair winds and a following sea
After my chores, I went online. I haven't written anything myself on my social media, I don't really feel like I have a right to, which is odd, considering the fact that I have more right than most.
I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it's because so many have written about what happened new years eve in Köln. Maybe it's because i don't want to be just another man-hater. Maybe it's because you can't write a single comment online without a million following "but's". And nothing you say before the word "but" really matters.
I saw a video called "Dear daddy" not so long ago on youtube. It ended: "Dear daddy, I know you will protect me from lions, cars, tsunamis without a sense of danger to your own life. But please protect me from the greatest danger. The danger of being a woman".
It's true that not all men violate women. It's true that not all men are ruthless bastards. But some men are. And this discussion is about them. Not all men. Not all religions. Just them. Just those individuals. And there is not a single country in the entire world that can honestly say that they have achieved gender equality. Not a single fucking one.
The woman hears comments like "She was also asking for it" and "Haven't you been looking for a boyfriend in a while" and no one can forget the classic: " Are you really sure this happened. Are you really sure those bruises on your neck are real"
And what if it has happened more than once. Then clearly it is your own fault!
I have seven brothers. No sisters. I grew up with four of them. I love them very much. More than they are aware of. I would never hurt them, I would never say anything to hurt them. And so i am not saying this to them. They are are good people, better than so many others i have met, And they know that I am not saying this to them. And they are not responsible. They know that.
I am wondering about the men arguing online saying "I would never do that" and " why is there so much hate towards the men going on these days?" Do they know? I am not blaming all men. I feel sorry for the ones who have been wrongly accused. I feel sorry for the men who are suffering in war now, because they have been drafted whereas the women have not. That is the thing about gender equality. It goes both ways.
There is a game. A manoeuvre. A strategy. If you ask a man about it, he will not know what the fuck you are talking about. But ask a woman. Everytime she leaves the house. If she goes to work "Am i wearing too much make-up? maybe they won't take me seriously"
When she goes to a party " Is this too short? Will they see it as an invitation?" "What if it's too long. They will call me dull, and laugh" When she walks home "What was that sound. I am probably just being paranoid"
When she comes to work the week after, and her co workers say: "she wasn't careful. she was probably wearing perfume and everything"
And everyone has a story. And yes, also every woman in the Western world! This is not about one culture. It is a global problem. And we need to find a global solution.
Walking is very important to me. I have written about that before. It is a major part of how I identify myself. The first year I lived in Sweden I was 16 years old and living with my folks and some of my brothers, six people on 16 square meters. I had to walk. It was my escape. My way of finding out who I was and who I wanted to be. Even in -30 C, I used to walk seven or eight times per day.
If I was not home before the dark in the summer, I would sleep in the woods. I never feared the wolves. I never feared the bears. But I would never sleep outside in a city surrounded by people. And yet I never feared the wolves that I could hear every night.
Walking is all I have. Walking is who I am. I have a right, a human right to be who I am. Is it fair to have that taken from me? Even if it is stupid to walk. Is it fair?
There are a lot of grey-zones. "Was she drunk" "was she outside alone?" "How was she dressed" "Was she flirting"
Flirting is fun. Kissing is fun. A kiss does not mean that you by right can take an expedition further south. And a no, at any time, still means no.
There should not be any grey-zones
My story. It belongs to me. Does anyone have the right to take that from me?
I still wish you fair winds and a following sea
Thursday 7 January 2016
in the woods
Time. I have written about time before. I will write about time again very soon i am sure. Time is important to me. even now, in the middle of no where when I have no schedule to stick to, I still look at the clock every half hour. It stresses me when I don't know what time it is. Even when I have nowhere to be.
Time is pure. It's something you can count on. Tomorrow is the only thing that comes for free.
I am in Sweden now. What usually defines the winter in Sweden is the cold and the dark. It's dark outside now as I am writing this. And it is so cold that I have been outside to walk only once today. It's -31 C outside now. I can see my own breath inside, and I can feel my fingers, stiffer than usual, as I type.
It is as if the house doesn't really want to get warm. As if the house saw a picture of a warm chimney once, and is now trying to copy what it saw, without feeling it firsthand, and is therefore majorly failing the whole heat-thing. I chop the firewood every day. I break the ice in our well everyday, even though it's getting harder. I feel as if something is broken inside when I cannot walk. It's such a major part of who I define myself to be, and without it I feel a little lost. It's not forever though. That's always something. Nothing last forever.
And it is fucking beautiful outside. There is something pure about the beauty, something innocent, the snow lies thick on the ground, the only sound you hear is that of your own feet. The dark branches of the evergreen trees are only half visible behind the powderfine layer of snow. Time seems to pass differently. Somewhat quicker because of the lack of daylight, but also slower because of the long winter nights.
I am really enjoying those winter nights. Writing. Thinking. I have a hard time falling asleep, as if the cold is somehow inviting thoughts into my head that my body is too tired to deal with. I am still getting plenty of rest though, and maybe that's why I am getting restless. After chopping the wood, and getting the water, after playing with my brother, after chain watching the self worth videos on youtube about how to "be the best you" and after spending a few hours a day watching all of the upcomming movie trailers of 2016, there is not so much more to do. So i write. I think.
And i wish you fair winds and a following sea
Time is pure. It's something you can count on. Tomorrow is the only thing that comes for free.
I am in Sweden now. What usually defines the winter in Sweden is the cold and the dark. It's dark outside now as I am writing this. And it is so cold that I have been outside to walk only once today. It's -31 C outside now. I can see my own breath inside, and I can feel my fingers, stiffer than usual, as I type.
It is as if the house doesn't really want to get warm. As if the house saw a picture of a warm chimney once, and is now trying to copy what it saw, without feeling it firsthand, and is therefore majorly failing the whole heat-thing. I chop the firewood every day. I break the ice in our well everyday, even though it's getting harder. I feel as if something is broken inside when I cannot walk. It's such a major part of who I define myself to be, and without it I feel a little lost. It's not forever though. That's always something. Nothing last forever.
And it is fucking beautiful outside. There is something pure about the beauty, something innocent, the snow lies thick on the ground, the only sound you hear is that of your own feet. The dark branches of the evergreen trees are only half visible behind the powderfine layer of snow. Time seems to pass differently. Somewhat quicker because of the lack of daylight, but also slower because of the long winter nights.
I am really enjoying those winter nights. Writing. Thinking. I have a hard time falling asleep, as if the cold is somehow inviting thoughts into my head that my body is too tired to deal with. I am still getting plenty of rest though, and maybe that's why I am getting restless. After chopping the wood, and getting the water, after playing with my brother, after chain watching the self worth videos on youtube about how to "be the best you" and after spending a few hours a day watching all of the upcomming movie trailers of 2016, there is not so much more to do. So i write. I think.
And i wish you fair winds and a following sea
Wednesday 6 January 2016
2016
New years eve.
What an interesting year. What an interesting christmas. My christmas dinner summed up: oatmeal (with nothing cause i was out of milk) and a bottle of red wine (that i drank on my own). Merry fucking christmas!
2014 was the longest year of my life. I dropped out of high scholl, started sailing, and moved to a different country (Holland).
2015 was the shortest year of my life I think. I cannot believe that a full year has passed already. A lot of things happened to me this year. I was working in Holland with the restoration of a beautiful Brittish trawler ( just came home after her maiden voyage a month ago), and then I started sailing again.
I was sailing during the summer, an amazing trip, ups and downs for sure, but in general a good trip. I learned that I was good at teaching. I was not aware of it untill I tried, that's how it usually goes, but it did however surprise me. I am good at teaching. so good that I can actually admit to being good at it.
I got to explore a lot more this year, more than ever before. I sailed from Holland to France, to Holland, to Denmark, to Holland, to France, to La Palma, and across the Atlantic to Barbados. Caribbean.
And I visited my family this year. Three times even. I attended a wedding. I created a blog. I was very happy this year. and I was hurt more than I have ever been hurt before. I have been more frightened than I have ever been before. I gained my confidence, only to loose it a couple of months later. Now I think I am getting it back again. Step by step. I am trying at least. Trying to grow, trying to heal. I have grown more the past four years than the previous ten.
This year has been painful. So was last year. But i have also been happier than ever before. I suppose that's just how my life works. And everyone will hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for. I think i found them. And they make everything worthwile. I wonder what 2016 will bring for me. I wonder what I will do. I reckon I will walk a lot. Maybe sail some more, I have not decided yet. That's the beauty of it. I don't have to decide right now. I don't have to know. My entire life, I have always had to know. But that's just not how my life is. Never was, never will be.
It doesn't change anything for me now though. I will keep on writing. Not just the old stuff from my sailing in 2015. I will continue to write them down one by one. But new stuff to. About now. And what I feel and do now. Occasionally one from the past. But mostly about now. But that doesn't change much for you I hope.
I still wish you fair winds and following seas my friend.
What an interesting year. What an interesting christmas. My christmas dinner summed up: oatmeal (with nothing cause i was out of milk) and a bottle of red wine (that i drank on my own). Merry fucking christmas!
2014 was the longest year of my life. I dropped out of high scholl, started sailing, and moved to a different country (Holland).
2015 was the shortest year of my life I think. I cannot believe that a full year has passed already. A lot of things happened to me this year. I was working in Holland with the restoration of a beautiful Brittish trawler ( just came home after her maiden voyage a month ago), and then I started sailing again.
I was sailing during the summer, an amazing trip, ups and downs for sure, but in general a good trip. I learned that I was good at teaching. I was not aware of it untill I tried, that's how it usually goes, but it did however surprise me. I am good at teaching. so good that I can actually admit to being good at it.
I got to explore a lot more this year, more than ever before. I sailed from Holland to France, to Holland, to Denmark, to Holland, to France, to La Palma, and across the Atlantic to Barbados. Caribbean.
And I visited my family this year. Three times even. I attended a wedding. I created a blog. I was very happy this year. and I was hurt more than I have ever been hurt before. I have been more frightened than I have ever been before. I gained my confidence, only to loose it a couple of months later. Now I think I am getting it back again. Step by step. I am trying at least. Trying to grow, trying to heal. I have grown more the past four years than the previous ten.
This year has been painful. So was last year. But i have also been happier than ever before. I suppose that's just how my life works. And everyone will hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for. I think i found them. And they make everything worthwile. I wonder what 2016 will bring for me. I wonder what I will do. I reckon I will walk a lot. Maybe sail some more, I have not decided yet. That's the beauty of it. I don't have to decide right now. I don't have to know. My entire life, I have always had to know. But that's just not how my life is. Never was, never will be.
It doesn't change anything for me now though. I will keep on writing. Not just the old stuff from my sailing in 2015. I will continue to write them down one by one. But new stuff to. About now. And what I feel and do now. Occasionally one from the past. But mostly about now. But that doesn't change much for you I hope.
I still wish you fair winds and following seas my friend.
Douarnenez
Red. Blue. Green. pastell colours. i think that was my first impression of Douranenez when i arrived for the first time a few months ago, in June. i remember being quite impressed by the architecture, i still am, now. everything here seems so antique. Vintage. large painting on the walls, beautiful woods and cliffs, small shops, croissants, and fine little details on the windows. i like the city. we have been here for almost a week now. i am enjoying the break from the night watches. i woke up Early two days ago though. it was still dark, although it's always dark at that hour in October. It was Giuseppe who woke me up. He was using his British accent, which doesn't really sound British at all, although it's probably more convincing than mine. "Good morning bitches, the sun is shining, the dolphins are singing, and mermaids are performing sexual act for free on deck." #that one wake up-call that makes you realise that you have been at sea for too long!
I think we are all doing well being on land a little bit. It's just a feeling I have, sort of a sixth sense. Although every time I come back from a walk, every time I watch the ship from a distance. I get happy. As if i am returning home. and she is beautiful, she is quick. She was build for pirates it almost seems.
We loaded the barrels today. it was a really warm day, people where dancing during the break, and I think it surprised everyone how quickly the loading went. And afterwards we had a barbecue. 54 bottles of cider, we drank. I don't think there was any point during the whole night when there wasn't two or three people in line for the toilet.
I had a nice time in Douarnenez. But after two weeks, i am definitively ready for the open sea again. I will keep you updated my friend. I promise.
I wish you fair winds and following seas
I think we are all doing well being on land a little bit. It's just a feeling I have, sort of a sixth sense. Although every time I come back from a walk, every time I watch the ship from a distance. I get happy. As if i am returning home. and she is beautiful, she is quick. She was build for pirates it almost seems.
We loaded the barrels today. it was a really warm day, people where dancing during the break, and I think it surprised everyone how quickly the loading went. And afterwards we had a barbecue. 54 bottles of cider, we drank. I don't think there was any point during the whole night when there wasn't two or three people in line for the toilet.
I had a nice time in Douarnenez. But after two weeks, i am definitively ready for the open sea again. I will keep you updated my friend. I promise.
I wish you fair winds and following seas
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