A good day

Today was a good day. Like a really good day. It has been a really long time, but i suppose today was a testimony to the old saying "when you hit bottom, the only place left to go is up."  Usually it turns out that bottom has a basement, but not today. Today was a good day.

I recently went back to navigation school. I was kind of conflicted about it, cause i am not sure what my nautical future looks like, or if there will even be one at all.  Also exam stress didn't really seem like an attractive option, but today i did a navigation test exam with one of my friends and it didn't go as bad as one might have expected which naturally gave me a little confidence boost, "unfortunately" to the point where i, in a moments madness, said yes to join another friend for a cross fit session.

I can honestly say that i was surprised to realise how similar to jelly my body is. It was unexpected. As i was doing sit-ups and push ups, and some other exercises that my ass was clearly to large to agree with, i started thinking about why anyone would agree to voluntarily torture themselves, and then it hit me. Despite the agonising pain, and the embarrassment in realising that even heavy smokers were doing better than me, i was enjoying myself. I was having fun.

And also i later realised that this exercise gave me the excuse to be very unsocial in my room tonight without giving a fuck about what others think of that, since i so loudly proclaimed that my muscles where planning on murdering me, and i would need to go straight to bed because of it.

Which brings me to this blog. It has been a while since you have heard from me.  Between the studying, the walking, and the various panic attacks that has taken up my time recently, i have not been writing a lot. Which i do regret. And i will try to change that, as i do find a relief in writing, one that would probably make studying easier as well.

Is it too late to make a new years resolution? All that "new year new me" -bullshit doesn't really seem to work anyway, so instead, how about just making a promise. And you my friend will be my witness. I will write more from now on. I think i need to, even if only for me to see. I think i need to write more, i need to prioritise writing. I need to put that, if not first, then at least second to walking. And then exams.

 remember that my friend, as i was close to forget it: exams are important, and school is important on that much we can agree. But If you forget to take care of yourself, just a little bit, then who are you really going to school for?  you, or for those who want you to?

Today has been a really good day. I studied, i worked out, i wrote, and i took care of myself. And that is more important than i gave it credit for. I forgot how it felt like to feel this well. I thought there to be no reason to do the little things. But there is. I beg you old friend. Don't make the same mistake.

I wish you fair winds and following seas.

Tortuga

The first thing I noticed when i woke up this morning was the sun.
Den Helder is known as the sunniest city in Holland, which makes me a little bit sad for the rest of the country.
But as a friend of mine wisely pointed out, the warmest place in Antarctica still isn't warm.

It has been raining most of this week. But today the sun is shining, and so I decided to go for a run to the domesticated park this morning, which, afterwards, made me wonder if I am somewhat of a masochist.
But after the pain in my limbs retreated and my wounded pride got over itself, I decided to run again on Thursday. Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those are my study days. I started navigation school again. One of my bosses talked me into it, and it is probably a good thing. At least I enjoyed it last Friday.

I have been studying for the most part of today, and odd as it may sound I have actually enjoyed it. I got a lot done, made a lot of shipbuilding drawings, and later I will do some navigation, before the muster tonight. This blogpost is me procrastinating though, although it's about time I wrote something for others to read as well.

I am not taking any information in anymore so I will take a break form studying, and continue later. I might play a game in the meantime. A card game. I played it last night, with quite a few people at first. It's quite a stressful game, I am not entirely sure my nerves can handle it, although everyone else seems to find my reactions of flying arms and unidentified sounds amusing.

A mate and i got really into it at some point, we got a bit competitive after everyone else went to bed. I seem to recall the words: "you British bitch" and "I'm gonna fuck you up you Danish piece of shit"
As I said, we got just a little bit carried away, and ended up making cheese toasties at 12, and being perhaps just a little more noisy than planned.

It was a lot of fun though. I haven't been that social in a very long time. I have missed Tortuga. Despite the rain, despite the wind blowing furiously through you no matter how many layers you are wearing,  I don't think there is a place on earth quite like Tortuga. I miss the people who used to live here. and I love the people who live here now. I am happy to be back.

Before coming back I had this idea that everything would be as it was before I left. That everything would be as last winter. I would feel as home as I did back then. I would be as social as I was back then, and the people who were here last winter would still be here. I guess this is the part where I remember I knew better. I still feel at home. This is my home. I am still happy to be here. But for better or worse, things have to change.

New people are here now. New friendships, but not less valuable. Yes I am happy to be back. I am happy to study, more seriously than last winter I might add. I am happy to be swimming on Sundays again, and I am happy to be running through the domesticated park.

There used to be a graffiti message on one of the walls in town.
"Stop taking my book so literally
- God"
It's not there anymore. I miss walking past it.

I miss the parties in the gallery, and the tattoo parlour on Sundays, although, not going there, is probably a good thing.

No, I am happy to be back. I have missed the house, I have missed Nordlys, and believe it or not, I have missed Den Helder.

Much love from Holland.

I wish you fair winds and followong seas my friend

Acrobats, gentlemen and vanilla icecream

A while. It has been quite a while since I have written anything, even just a little thing. It happens sometimes, it comes and goes. Hopefully it's back now. what I need to be able to write.

I have had quite a few things to do. and I have been lazy when I hadn't had anything to do. sometimes I am not sure if I am lazy, or just forgetting something crucially important.

Anyways. I am Denmark now. Visiting my grandmother, she lives close to the ocean, a beach where I used to play when I was younger. It's not the same beach anymore though. I went there a few days ago with my brother. We went for a walk, and I was looking forward to playing with him where I used to play.

You could hardly see the sand anymore though, it was covered in plastic. Lighters, nets, bits and pieces everywhere. My brother picked up such an odly shaped piece, he believed it first to be a funny rock. I stopped looking. I didn't want to see it, so my eyes shifted to the sea. It was quite a foggy day, so it was hard to tell where the sea ended and the sky began.  I like those kind of days, the world seems like a bigger place to me, when you cannot see it.

Both me and my brother kept looking at the ocean. Neither of us wanted to look at the beach. We didn't forget it though, I promise, I will remember, and I will do something, I will do anything I can.  But in that moment, we both chose to close our eyes, too tired to deal with it, saving the problems for another day. That was me that afternoon. And I am sorry. I would like to say that I immediately grabbed a bag, and started picking up as much trash as I could, save the planet, save the whales, fairtrade or whatever it is these days, but I didn't. I just looked out at the ocean with my brothers hand in mine, enjoying what little time I get to spend with him.

He is growong up. Getting bigger, and I am not really around to see that. I missed his last two birthdays. I have missed christmas for two years. He is five years old now, and I am only getting further away from him. We did however go for a two hour walk together, I had to carry him the last bit of course, he was so tired he could hardly walk up the hill. And we did feed Three horses on the way back. And we went to the shop so he could get an ice cream, despite it being -5 C outside. And we did get to talk. He is wise for a five year old.

He has in mind to be an acrobat and a gentleman when he grows up. Then he jumps around the livingroom looking like a genntleman, or in his case, slightly constapeted, and telling everyone that the moon is made out of a ball of vanilla icecream.
Now he is in copenhagen.

I stayed at the westcoast, by the sea. I go to the beach often. Thinking. There is no place like the sea for that kind of thing. The wind is raging outside today, I can hear it from my room. The house is warm though, warmer than in Sweden, too warm sometimes, too warm for January. way too warm for January. I think you can hear the worlds smallest violin playing for me where ever you are my friend.

I wish you fair winds and a following sea.

Evergreen

Evergreen. I have always loved that word more than the evergreen trees themselves. The woods are full of evergreen trees, and the word to me implies fairytale, spring, sun, and light, whereas the trees themselves seem ancient and gloomy. I like the woods though. They seem to me to radiate a sort of ancient quiet wisdom which doesn't make much sense, considering the fact that these woods that I call home are not very old.

I sometimes go ogre hunting with my brother in these woods. He is 5 years old. We don't really go hunting, he is not afraid of them, so we go looking for them. He count himself among friends when we find massive rocks that he calls father ogre and grandmother ogre. Then we tell each other fairy tales of ancient creatures who used to roam these woods, and who are biding there time until their time has come again. I like telling stories with him. I am enjoying the time I spend with him. 

He is the last remaining child in the woods. Him and the neighbours boy. The two last children of the woods. 

It is so practical with a younger brother. Last night I had to blow my nose but didn't want to get out of my chair, so I called my brother and gave him a secret mission to find the holy tissues and bring them back to me. After the crisis had been averted and i had gotten the tissues i needed and plenty more, he told my mother: "Victoria is the best sister in the world. She trusts me with important missions. I am her right hand commander" 

I thought to myself well that was easy.

It is snowing outside again. I was outside before to get another bucket of water from the well, and even in the darkness you can see a white coat over everything. The snow is waist-deep now. It is beautiful outside. The  snow is creating a silence unlike anywhere else in the world and sometimes when I am walking, my mind is tricked into believing myself the only person left in the world. Of course i know I am not, and maybe that is why it does not feel frightening to me. It just feels free.

I wish you fair winds and a following sea my friend.

Köln

Fire. I can see it in the fireplace from where I sit. It's heating up the house, doing a better job than yesterday for sure. I stocked up on the firewood today, a lot more than the previous days. I got the well almost completely ice free. Took me one and a half hour to do so, but still. Ice free is ice free.

After my chores, I went online. I haven't written anything myself on my social media, I don't really feel like I have a right to, which is odd, considering the fact that I have more right than most.

I don't know why I feel that way. Maybe it's because so many have written about what happened new years eve in Köln. Maybe it's because i don't want to be just another man-hater. Maybe it's because you can't write a single comment online without a million following "but's". And nothing you say before the word "but" really matters.

I saw a video called "Dear daddy" not so long ago on youtube. It ended: "Dear daddy, I know you will protect me from lions, cars, tsunamis without a sense of danger to your own life. But please protect me from the greatest danger. The danger of being a woman".

It's true that not all men violate women. It's true that not all men are ruthless bastards. But some men are. And this discussion is about them. Not all men. Not all religions. Just them. Just those individuals. And there is not a single country in the entire world that can honestly say that they have achieved gender equality. Not a single fucking one.

The woman hears comments like "She was also asking for it" and "Haven't you been looking for a boyfriend in a while" and no one can forget the classic: " Are you really sure this happened. Are you really sure those bruises on your neck are real"

And what if it has happened more than once. Then clearly it is your own fault!

I have seven brothers. No sisters. I grew up with four of them. I love them very much. More than they are aware of. I would never hurt them, I would never say anything to hurt them. And so i am not saying this to them. They are are good people, better than so many others i have met, And they know that I am not saying this to them. And they are not responsible. They know that.

I am wondering about the men arguing online saying "I would never do that" and " why is there so much hate towards the men going on these days?" Do they know? I am not blaming all men. I feel sorry for the ones who have been wrongly accused. I feel sorry for the men who are suffering in war now, because they have been drafted whereas the women have not. That is the thing about gender equality. It goes both ways.

There is a game. A manoeuvre. A strategy. If you ask a man about it, he will not know what the fuck you are talking about. But ask a woman. Everytime  she leaves the house. If she goes to work "Am i wearing too much make-up? maybe they won't take me seriously"

When she goes to a party " Is this too short? Will they see it as an invitation?" "What if it's too long. They will call me dull, and laugh" When she walks home "What was that sound. I am probably just being paranoid"

When she comes to work the week after, and her co workers say: "she wasn't careful. she was probably wearing perfume and everything"

And everyone has a story. And yes, also every woman in the Western world! This is not about one culture. It is a global problem. And we need to find a global solution.

Walking is very important to me. I have written about that before. It is a major part of how I identify myself. The first year I lived in Sweden I was 16 years old and living with my folks and some of my brothers, six people on 16 square meters. I had to walk. It was my escape. My way of finding out who I was and who I wanted to be. Even in -30 C, I used to walk seven or eight times per day.

If I was not home before the dark in the summer, I would sleep in the woods. I never feared the wolves. I never feared the bears. But I would never sleep outside in a city surrounded by people. And yet I never feared the wolves that I could hear every night.

Walking is all I have. Walking is who I am. I have a right, a human right to be who I am. Is it fair to have that taken from me? Even if it is stupid to walk. Is it fair?

There are a lot of grey-zones. "Was she drunk" "was she outside alone?" "How was she dressed" "Was she flirting"

Flirting is fun. Kissing is fun. A kiss does not mean that you by right can take an expedition further south. And a no, at any time, still means no.

There should not be any grey-zones

My story. It belongs to me. Does anyone have the right to take that from me?

I still wish you fair winds and a following sea

in the woods

Time. I have written about time before. I will write about time again very soon i am sure. Time is important to me. even now, in the middle of no where when I have no schedule to stick to, I still look at the clock every half hour. It stresses me when I don't know what time it is. Even when I have nowhere to be.

Time is pure. It's something you can count on. Tomorrow is the only thing that comes for free.

 I am in Sweden now. What usually defines the winter in Sweden is the cold and the dark. It's dark outside now as I am writing this. And it is so cold that I have been outside to walk only once today. It's -31 C outside now. I can see my own breath inside, and I can feel my fingers, stiffer than usual, as I type.

 It is as if the house doesn't really want to get warm. As if the house saw a picture of a warm chimney once, and is now trying to copy what it saw, without feeling it firsthand, and is therefore majorly failing the whole heat-thing. I chop the firewood every day. I break the ice in our well everyday, even though it's getting harder. I feel as if something is broken inside when I cannot walk. It's such a major part of who I define myself to be, and without it I feel a little lost. It's not forever though. That's always something. Nothing last forever.

And it is fucking beautiful outside. There is something pure about the beauty, something innocent, the snow lies thick on the ground, the only sound you hear is that of your own feet. The dark branches of the evergreen trees are only half visible behind the powderfine layer of snow. Time seems to pass differently. Somewhat quicker because of the lack of daylight, but also slower because of the long winter nights.

I am really enjoying those winter nights. Writing. Thinking. I have a hard time falling asleep, as if the cold is somehow inviting thoughts into my head that my body is too tired to deal with. I am still getting plenty of rest though, and maybe that's why I am getting restless. After chopping the wood, and getting the water, after playing with my brother, after chain watching the self worth videos on youtube about how to "be the best you" and after spending a few hours a day watching all of the upcomming movie trailers of 2016, there is not so much more to do. So i write. I think.
And i wish you fair winds and a following sea

2016

New years eve.

What an interesting year. What an interesting christmas. My christmas dinner summed up: oatmeal (with nothing cause i was out of milk) and a bottle of red wine (that i drank on my own). Merry fucking christmas!

 2014 was the longest year of my life. I dropped out of high scholl, started sailing, and moved to a different country (Holland).

2015 was the shortest year of my life I think. I cannot believe that a full year has passed already. A lot of things happened to me this year. I was working in Holland with the restoration of a beautiful Brittish trawler ( just came home after her maiden voyage a month ago), and then I started sailing again.

I was sailing during the summer, an amazing trip, ups and downs for sure, but in general a good trip. I learned that I was good at teaching. I was not aware of it untill I tried, that's how it usually goes, but it did however surprise me. I am good at teaching. so good that I can actually admit to being good at it.

I got to explore a lot more this year, more than ever before. I sailed from Holland to France, to Holland, to Denmark, to Holland, to France, to La Palma, and across the Atlantic to Barbados. Caribbean.

And I visited my family this year. Three times even. I attended a wedding. I created a blog. I was very happy this year. and I was hurt more than I have ever been hurt before. I have been more frightened than I have ever been before. I gained my confidence, only to loose it a couple of months later. Now I think I am getting it back   again. Step by step. I am trying at least. Trying to grow, trying to heal. I have grown more the past four years than the previous ten.

This year has been painful. So was last year. But i have also been happier than ever before. I suppose that's just how my life works. And everyone will hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for. I think i found them. And they make everything worthwile. I wonder what 2016 will bring for me. I wonder what I will do. I reckon I will walk a lot. Maybe sail some more, I have not decided yet. That's the beauty of it. I don't have to decide right now. I don't have to know. My entire life, I have always had to know. But that's just not how my life is. Never was, never will be.
It doesn't change anything for me now though. I will keep on writing.  Not just the old stuff from my sailing in 2015. I will continue to write them down one by one. But new stuff to. About now. And what I feel and do now. Occasionally one from the past. But mostly about now. But that doesn't change much for you I hope.

 I still wish you fair winds and following seas my friend.